Siblings

Those of you with strained or little to no relationship with your sibling whether they are the older or younger ones might be able to relate to this. I wont say there names in this so their identities are confidential. So as some of you may know I am the youngest of three siblings but is gets complicated there some times because in reality I don’t have any full blood siblings and both of them aren’t related to each other because I have the same dad as one and same mom as the other so it ended up getting more diluted. I’m not gonna get into that anymore anyway that never has and never will matter to me they are my sisters no matter what… so I am the youngest some of you may kind of have an idea where I am going with this so my eldest sister lets say sister A has done nothing but hurt me because a lot of issues have gone on with her mom since we have a different mom and our dad she took it out on my and my other older sister lets say sister B so much has gone down with just sister A one of the many things was she told me when I was younger and used to look up to her I will never be her sister no matter what. The other siblings she had from her mom which were her other half siblings were her real brother and sister I would never be I was to hyper, excited, over the top she didn’t want me as a sister. Then so the other day after years of not seeing her sister B had to contact her for our grandparents and she did long story short she apologized to my sister. I thought maybe she changed and I should message her and she would be happy to talk to me, because no matter what she did to me she was still my sister and I loved her. Unfortunately after messaging back and forth for a while I felt the need to tell her one of the many things she did that hurt me for me to get closure. She came up with excuses about why she said it none of it being anything I did and how it wasn’t my fault in the end basically blaming me for what I did breaking my heart. The last bit of hope I had for us to have a good or even start a real relationship again unfortunately that was gone. What I realized a while after was that was Gods way of saying it wouldn’t be healthy to have relationship with her. Even though she is my sister because it would just give her the opportunity to hurt me over and over again. I may not have gotten healing completely or even closure, but I got something better a knowledge. Knowing that no matter how much she hurt me and I still wanted a relationship that God knows what was better for me. But he needed to reopen that wound and allow her to hurt me for me to see she is an unhealthy family member to be around. For my mental emotional and spiritual well being and it was his way of showing me that everything happenfor my health. That he does look out for my well being even when I don’t. He is my protector. I forget that and feel like he isn’t there in the moment. Looking back on that moment he was it just wasn’t as obvious as I thought it would be. There is one story only one from sister A now sister B is a completely different story that’s why it hurt and was surprising when it happened no matter how gradual it was.

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Sister B I grew up with in the same house she was my sister it didn’t matter she wasn’t full blood yes we fought but what sisters scratch that what siblings don’t argue or fight its just how it is. Now when she was in high school I was in like 5 or 6th grade and the unthinkable happened my mom was hospitalized we feared for her life after that my sister B and I became really close we told each other a lot she was like a mom to me and we had a unique connection most siblings don’t a strong bond but then it all changed when she went to college she stopped texting and calling me after a while we rarely talked but me being me held on and always called texted face timed her when I could but it got to the point every time we talked mid conversation she would have to go I understood at first but then it just stung she wouldn’t even make time for me or talk to me but could go do other things how could she? She promised me she would always be there for me and make time even though she was in another state but she broke it why? So naturally I did what any younger sister or 15 year old would do what did I do wrong why didn’t she want to talk to me how could I fix it? I placed all the blame on myself tore myself up about it. Naturally we drifted apart as she changed turned into a college girl the stereotype you hear. I kept blaming myself it wasn’t till a year or two after this started when I noticed she was doing it to everyone starting lying to us even me more. At this point I realized it wasn’t my fault and God had been trying to show me this and teach me multiple lessons some of which were guard your heart even if they are family and you don’t think you need to, change happens, it WASN’T my fault, it was another unhealthy relationship that would have taken me further from my LORD, to depend on God more and trust only the right people, he has a plan it may hurt now but in the long run it is better for you among many other lessons. I am still trying to remember and better understand and follow these lessons he taught me but it is a process and I am trying my best working on getting closer to God and putting these lessons to practice. Also when it is time if it is in the future maybe I can restart and improve my relationship with her but for now that is not meant to be.

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Starting from the Beginning

Hi my name is Kelly or Kell for short I am currently half way through my senior year of high school and I have grown up in the church yes but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have always been living as a Christian. I grew up in the church not knowing any better than going to church I even went to a private elementary school from kindergarten till after second grade then I moved to the same school my mom worked at. I never really felt I could be myself because if I ever made mistakes my mom would know she always had good relationships with my teachers since they were her fellow co workers. I have never been the best at school which is somewhat due to my learning disabilities  Some of which consist of A.D.H.D and dyslexia. I never have been very comfortable saying I  have dyslexia, I have always been ashamed of it and because of those things I have always struggled in school. I used to blame God for it if he didn’t make mistakes why was I so broken in school and many other ways.  Why couldn’t learn did he hate me? In honest truth he didn’t hate me and still doesn’t he doesn’t hate anyone I just didn’t understand it back then. Many other reason as well as those I grew up going to church because my parents took me it wasn’t until a few years ago I finally completely gave my life to God by my choice because I finally understood he made me this way because he DOESN’T make mistakes and that I DO need him because without him I cant survive  John 14 :6 Jesus answered I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me. When I was younger I never understood this until recently. No one is perfect on this world God and Jesus are the only perfect ones without them we can not do it but with them we can do anything when we are living with Him for Him. Yes I grew up in the church but the two churches I grew up in till I moved churches to Light and Life fellowship the summer before my freshman year of high school . The other two churches I grew up in I had friends I was connected and SEEMED to like it there but I never felt like I fit in. At both my other churches I was at I had my friends but a lot of the adult and some of the other fellow students would always tell me I way annoying and to much I needed to change and not be my social hyper self  I couldn’t be who I was. That all changed the first time I went to Light and Life I was the new girl and that sucks because you will always have most of the people who grew up in that church or wherever you are new to and  you are coming in knowing no one it  can even be scary at times. I was fortunate though because most of the people there were so welcoming and kind that at times it was weird cause you aren’t used to that but over the last 4 or so years I have made that place my home and been able to grow and the summer of my first summer camp there at YSSC camp also know as Yosemite church camp it was like no other church camp I have gone to before they are so patient kind and caring among many other things that helped make me able to fully recommit but for me in reality start to really give my life to God and it was and is a process but it was my first real break through. This church has given me a real family of people I know love me and are there for me and I am also there for them and love them I have some people I know are a safe place as well as fellow Christians I can confide in and before that I never really had anyone I could do that with. I have changed and grown and am currently growing so much in the past like 4 or 5 years than I have in my full life because I am truly following him and have a great church and support system I never had before. I may have grown up in the church but that doesn’t mean that even though you have grown up in the church that you are automatically a Christian and some people me for one know that for a fact. So don’t think that just because someone goes to church that it means they have it all together. I may not have a great story  about how I came to God because I was always technically there at church but that doesn’t mean I always wanted to be or followed him on my own till I did and now I do and try to live for him every day.godblessyou