This is who I am. I am Not ashamed.

I started thinking the other day about a person who used to be in my life my first year of college. Looking back she was toxic for me. She was someone raised Jewish but didn’t believe in how she was raised (Lets call her P). That I do NOT have an issue with, however I am a Christian and not afraid to show it or share my faith. I thought she was a friend it was her and another mutual friend of ours (let’s call the mutual friend n). The friend of ours and I got along really well we both love disney and enjoy Pinterest etc. So it was easy for me and friend N to hang out for a short time before classes and talk about pretty much anything. If you know me I share my faith but do NOT shove it down a person’s throat. Friend N was and is ok with my sharing my faith, because I talk about more than just my faith. My faith is my first priority and main thing in my life but not the only thing. No this friend I didn’t realize would talk behind my back. Us three girls were part of a friend group that had originally 1 then added another and one last person. One of these guys started dating friend P. Friend P instantly changed she was so immersed in him we rarely saw her and if we did they were attached at the hip. Personally it wasn’t my place to think about it it was their relationship. However things started to change she was rude to me, avoided or ignored me and the talking behind my back got worse. However during this friend N and I were still fine and talking. I had decided they weren’t the best group to be around because 2 of the guys made me uncomfortable and said things that were really inappropriate. Friend N still hung with them. One day friend N finally told me when I asked does friend P hate me? I have no idea what I did. I truly did not know. So she tells me about the talking behind my back and lying about me especially to her boyfriend. Now I never knew what I did. In light of keeping this on the shorter version so many more events happened i was at the end of my rope almost the end of the second semester is where we were at. I decided fine she will ignore me and bad mouth me I’ll text her. I had already deleted her # so I got it from her boyfriend. I text her I don’t know what I did to you but if you have an issue with me I ask you talk to me not bad mouth me and lie about me behind my back. She never did meet up with me i even finally set something up with her but more lies and excuses occured so I was done. This whole stort shortened Yes this is the shorter version leads up to end of this story and my whole point for this post. I never found out from her what her issue was with me however i asked 1 or 2 of the guys from the group and friend N they all said she didn’t like how N and I talked about disney and other things she didn’t know about and that I shared my faith because it was all I talked about. Me and Friend N talked a lot about it and she agreed we did try to include her and talk about what she wanted. However when we asked her she would just say things like we can talk about whatever, I don’t care, I dont know. It also came out later she said she didn’t like me talking about my faith at all from her mouth when I finally saw her once and asked her about it. I also asked Friend N do I only talk about my faith and God. I never want that to be the only thing I talk about because I don’t want to force it on people. Her response was ” No it was only one weekend and that is understandable you had just come back from a retreat and still you talked about other things.” (I paraphrased that. A little it was a long conversation that was the gist of it) This whole story was my point of getting to sharing my experience and trying to encourage and spiritual person who believes what they do. Don’t stop talking about your faith because they don’t like it. I’m not saying shove it down their throats. I am just saying don’t stop altogether talking about it for someone else to be your friend. Stand firm in your faith. If you can’t be yourself around your friends or a friend they aren’t real friends as cliche as it is it’s true. 1 Peter 5:9
“But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.” Other places are facing possible death for their beliefs we are fortunate enough to not be at that point yet, however there are other types of persecutions or people against your faith that you need to stand firm in your faith. Here are some more bible verses below that I hope encourage you. It is so weird to think that this is my first post of 2020. That year is finally here. Not much has changed as people had thought, however God IS on the move and working through so many people. He is working in me, teaching, loving, and growing me. Can’t wait for what is to come and the rest of the year.

Take a leap

Sometimes you just have to take a leap.

You may be scared, question everything, doubting, but you have to take a leap. You can’t always know the outcome. It can be hard or scary to take a leap trust me I know. But God has you he is there. You never know what could happen and might never know if you don’t take that leap.

People can try to nudge you into that leap. Sometimes you need a nudge. Sometimes you need to choose to take that leap.

It has been my experience that if you don’t take that leap God will eventually give you a push or someone to nudge you. If God really wants it to happen he will make a way.

There has been so many times i have missed out on part of my calling or steps to it, I have missed healing, miss opportunities to show God’s love and many more. All of this juat because I didn’t leap when God said to.

God wants what is best he wants you to leap so sometimes you can soar, learn, grow, heal nd many more things. But if you don’t you can’t experience or recieve these things God wants to give you.

Also think of it this way. You could also possibly be hurting not just you but others that God wanted you to reach, show his love to, help, bring to God through HIS power. It is not always just yourself you are hurting.

I wrote this poem earlier today and I think part of it is reminiscing on powerful women who have helped me become who I am. Take the leap or start to. Because they also want what is best for me, and the others I will eventually help through God’s power and all him because he makes it possible for me. I am working on myself in so many ways. One is taking the leap. Not many of you may know…

I finally last semester decided to say yes to God and apply to Go on my first mission this year. If he wants ne to go and which one he wants me to go he will make a way. But I had to take that leap so it is a possibility.

Here is my poem enjoy please

LEAP

You show me constantly

You want to use me

Why do I doubt it then

I don’t doubt you can

I know and beleive you can

I doubt the you want ME part

I know you have brought others

Had then confirm it in me

Told me yourself

So what can I do?

Maybe just take that leap

Don’t think of the what if’s

What could go wrong

What could be

You want me

Believe

You tell me

Just take that leap

I ask if you catch me

Not that you can

But if you want to catch me

You respond with

Leap

Trust me

You have worth to me

I love you

It hurts me when you doubt

When you doubt me wanting you

I got you just leap

I know you love me

You love others

Sometimes to much

You do need that self care

But let me be there

I am part of that self care

You love me

Let me show you I love and want you

You have meaning

I got you so take that leap

Trust me

It take courage and bravery

I know you can

You have all of those things

So just take that and

LEAP

Leap and let me catch you be there

To hold you

Be there to show you

So Leap

Just leap for me

Leap Kelly

Leap

K.M.

March 8 2019

Hard but necessary….

So you know growing up in highschool you have friends. Some friends you have had for year, others you met in highschool. Some friendships you think will last forever.

Unfortunately that is very rare to have even 1 friend after leaving highschool you still constantly talk to or hang out with. It is a hard transition even for the few people like me who are realistic and know that facts to actually experience it. The change from highschool to college even with being more prepared not to really talk to anyone from highschool it is still weird when it actually happens.

I have had some friends I have a friend I have know and been friends with sonce kindergarten. That was a hard friendship change I rarely see him and we never talk. He used to be like a brother to me. My point is it can be hard, scary, sad. But unfortunately you can’t stop change it is inevitable.

Now I am not saying your doomed this will happen to you. I have a friend I met my senior year we still talk and are close. You never know.

But that shows who is real and truly cares about you. The people who still initiate contact really care about you. Friendship (true friendship) is a two way road.

It can be hard being a college student who doesnt drive. It can to be quite honest suck. But that for me showed my true friends and people who cared about me. I live further from my church than I used to when I was living with my parents. But it’s also about compromise I stay at my parents the night before I hang out with a friend and some are willing to pick me up. I know I feel bad asking to be picked up or to get a ride somewhere or home. But some people who have shown they care.

One of those people her name is Kimy she is such a great caring leader and friend. She is such a women of God and her her sister, and brother in Law mean so much to me and have shown they truly care about me and my well being. She is the defintion of a true friend. They all will check in on me make sure I am ok. My friendship or relationship with them is an actual mutal two way relationship. They have treated me like family and are family.

Find the right people because if they truly love and care for you it won’t matter the circumstances they will be there for you and show they care.

Karen is another one. She is such a great mentor and women. She takes precious time out of her life to meet with me and show she care. She is a great women of God. She has shown time and time agian she loves and cares for me.

This are the people you want in your life.

It may be hard but you nees yo cut peoole out of your life if they are super toxic.

God wants what is best for you. There is only so much you can do. You are like the people you surround yourself with. So remember to guard your heart. But careful at the same time to make sure you have those people you can talk to. Like my Kimy, her sister, her brother in law, and Karen.

You will know who wants what’s best for you. They will show it by their actions. Some people just aren’t ready for what you need in a friend. God puts everyone in your life for a reason. This doesn’t mean it is for every maybe just a season. Sometimes its also a lesson.

Really?… Think about both sides (family edition)

Has anyone ever had multiple family members in a scuffle so you know you are going to get dragged in ?  Pretty much everyone probably has am I right?  Well maybe it’s happened more than once to you and one of those times you knew you were gonna get dragged into it but the difference was or is that you were ok with it……..

Speaking from experience we know no one is perfect and everyone will hurt somebody or people maybe unintentionally but…… when it repeats and they do NOT change their actions but Matthew 5 : 11 – 16 says-

11“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its salty taste, it cannot be made salty again. It is good for nothing, except to be thrown out and walked on. 14 “You are the light that gives light to the world. A city that is built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 And people don’t hide a light under a bowl. They put it on a lampstand so the light shines for all the people in the house. 16 In the same way, you should be a light for other people. Live so that they will see the good things you do and will praise your Father in heaven.

The enemy will come to try and stop you from shining your light. The enemy will even go as far as to use family, friends or people who aren’t blood but are family to do that more than once he will do it over and over but remember Matthew 5: 11 – 16. It may be hard to do because it will hurt especially from family. Also it is ok to cut family out if it is dangerous to you and they are toxic; but that doesn’t mean you harden your heart because of it or towards anyone it does Not do any help to anyone especially yourself.

bitterThis is something I am working on doing and coming back from.

Yes it is hard and hurts when people say things or do thing to you like throw insults especially family or friends or people you respect. The way that others treat you when they think no one is around or whenever they treat you horrible shows the real them. Something I have to remind myself is that – Hurt people hurt people. It may be cheesy but I have come to experience it is true. Sometime family is hurting and they think well they are family they have to love or forgive me so they take it out on you or you are the closest one at the moment. Them treating you like that shows their true character.

Also it is not always best to keep things bottled up and not tell people. Sure you don’t know how others are going to respond but you bringing something to their attention or letting them know IN A RESPECTFUL CORRECT WAY then it is on them how they respond.  But you did everything you could and it has been my experience at least with the right people some family some Not. That the correct people will respond right and sometimes they don’t even realize they are doing it. When you bring it to their attention then the ball is in their court it is up to them on their reaction and if they fix it or not but if you did it in the right way and making sure you pray about it with God then your conscience should be clear.

Family fights can be messy, bad, not good but sometimes things need to be said. Also some people may be biased or not be looking at both sides which makes it worse but some things need to be said and discussed.

As someone who is currently going through a  family fight and being  brought into it I have realized that somethings on my part need to be said since I am gonna get brought into it anyway. NOW I just need to make sure I address it correctly and pray about it before I discuss this. I have found sometimes it helps to write down what you want to say ahead of time so you can look at it and figure out how to word it and not blurt it out but to discuss with God before and be ready.

Just something currently on my mind.

Siblings

Those of you with strained or little to no relationship with your sibling whether they are the older or younger ones might be able to relate to this. I wont say there names in this so their identities are confidential. So as some of you may know I am the youngest of three siblings but is gets complicated there some times because in reality I don’t have any full blood siblings and both of them aren’t related to each other because I have the same dad as one and same mom as the other so it ended up getting more diluted. I’m not gonna get into that anymore anyway that never has and never will matter to me they are my sisters no matter what… so I am the youngest some of you may kind of have an idea where I am going with this so my eldest sister lets say sister A has done nothing but hurt me because a lot of issues have gone on with her mom since we have a different mom and our dad she took it out on my and my other older sister lets say sister B so much has gone down with just sister A one of the many things was she told me when I was younger and used to look up to her I will never be her sister no matter what. The other siblings she had from her mom which were her other half siblings were her real brother and sister I would never be I was to hyper, excited, over the top she didn’t want me as a sister. Then so the other day after years of not seeing her sister B had to contact her for our grandparents and she did long story short she apologized to my sister. I thought maybe she changed and I should message her and she would be happy to talk to me, because no matter what she did to me she was still my sister and I loved her. Unfortunately after messaging back and forth for a while I felt the need to tell her one of the many things she did that hurt me for me to get closure. She came up with excuses about why she said it none of it being anything I did and how it wasn’t my fault in the end basically blaming me for what I did breaking my heart. The last bit of hope I had for us to have a good or even start a real relationship again unfortunately that was gone. What I realized a while after was that was Gods way of saying it wouldn’t be healthy to have relationship with her. Even though she is my sister because it would just give her the opportunity to hurt me over and over again. I may not have gotten healing completely or even closure, but I got something better a knowledge. Knowing that no matter how much she hurt me and I still wanted a relationship that God knows what was better for me. But he needed to reopen that wound and allow her to hurt me for me to see she is an unhealthy family member to be around. For my mental emotional and spiritual well being and it was his way of showing me that everything happenfor my health. That he does look out for my well being even when I don’t. He is my protector. I forget that and feel like he isn’t there in the moment. Looking back on that moment he was it just wasn’t as obvious as I thought it would be. There is one story only one from sister A now sister B is a completely different story that’s why it hurt and was surprising when it happened no matter how gradual it was.

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Sister B I grew up with in the same house she was my sister it didn’t matter she wasn’t full blood yes we fought but what sisters scratch that what siblings don’t argue or fight its just how it is. Now when she was in high school I was in like 5 or 6th grade and the unthinkable happened my mom was hospitalized we feared for her life after that my sister B and I became really close we told each other a lot she was like a mom to me and we had a unique connection most siblings don’t a strong bond but then it all changed when she went to college she stopped texting and calling me after a while we rarely talked but me being me held on and always called texted face timed her when I could but it got to the point every time we talked mid conversation she would have to go I understood at first but then it just stung she wouldn’t even make time for me or talk to me but could go do other things how could she? She promised me she would always be there for me and make time even though she was in another state but she broke it why? So naturally I did what any younger sister or 15 year old would do what did I do wrong why didn’t she want to talk to me how could I fix it? I placed all the blame on myself tore myself up about it. Naturally we drifted apart as she changed turned into a college girl the stereotype you hear. I kept blaming myself it wasn’t till a year or two after this started when I noticed she was doing it to everyone starting lying to us even me more. At this point I realized it wasn’t my fault and God had been trying to show me this and teach me multiple lessons some of which were guard your heart even if they are family and you don’t think you need to, change happens, it WASN’T my fault, it was another unhealthy relationship that would have taken me further from my LORD, to depend on God more and trust only the right people, he has a plan it may hurt now but in the long run it is better for you among many other lessons. I am still trying to remember and better understand and follow these lessons he taught me but it is a process and I am trying my best working on getting closer to God and putting these lessons to practice. Also when it is time if it is in the future maybe I can restart and improve my relationship with her but for now that is not meant to be.

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Valentines Day

So Valentines Day is such an over exaggerated “Holiday” most people would agree with this statement but why did I put holiday in parenthesis you ask? Let me tell you Valentines however it started out as is a holiday about love and more specifically a significant other you have or you don’t have lots of teens single teens these days have started to call it “singles awareness day” because this “Holiday is hyped up about flowers, stuffed animals, chocolate and whatever else you do or get people on it to show you love them. Personally I don’t agree with having this holiday you shouldn’t need a day to show your significant other that you love them they should already feel it and know you love them by your everyday actions and words. Has it seriously gotten to the point where we need a holiday to feel forced to buy stuff for our significant other just to show you love them one day of the year when you should everyday. That is one thing to start off with another is the holiday is so big but have you ever thought about how it makes people who are single feel? It has gotten so big people feel like they need to have someone to give them worth or purpose but is that correct of us? We should maybe think do we really need to have a holiday to show someone you love them or that they are cared for? Maybe instead we should be making people realize they don’t need a significant other to feel loved or show their worth because God tells us our worth and it isn’t determined by relationships or how much we are loved by our significant other or what we get or whatever it is because God made us the way we are and we have a purpose not because of some “holiday.” To be honest growing up I always dreamed about what it would really be like having valentines day as a teenager and how great and romantic it would be how loved I would  feel. But as I have gotten older 18 years of having valentines days alone has actually helped open my eyes…. we DON’T need someone else or to be in a relationship for valentines day we instead should focus on how our Lord loves us and how we are great the way we are without a relationship if  you are in one cool but you don’t need to be. Do I sometimes feel lonely on valentines day and sad I am not dating anyone? Yeah sometimes I do but just today I realized it isn’t about being in a relationship and all the free time I have to do other things and focus on God and my relationship with ME and my LORD instead and how I don’t need someone to determine my worth  or who I am.  So I have decided I am gonna try to start loving myself and making sure I show others I love them everyday the best I can instead of worrying about being in a relationship. Then and only then once I have a unbreakable relationship or really strong one with my LORD and a security in myself when it is the Lords will he will show me and possibly bring into my life the guy he has planned for me it may not be soon it may be years but until then I am going to learn to Love myself for who I am and worry about my relationship with MY LORD first being secure in myself and other relationships then when and only when God knows I am ready and I  have a firm strong faith better / stronger relationships with people then I can find a Godly person who he wants me with when he wants me with them but until then I am gonna work on those things and love people everyday no matter the fights or struggle I go through so I can be given who I am meant to be with by my Lord when both me and that guy are ready for each other and God wants it to happen. Until that time I have time and other things to do. So I have decided to try and not let being single on valentines worry me or make me upset because there is no reason to and I have other things more important than that to focus on.

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